The many faces of Hillary Rotten Clinton

I think this collage trumps the picture of Obama in "muslim-wear"

Stuff White People Like

Sadly I skimmed this list and I am guilty of at least half of these things and that's just the first page!
I love Mos Def, threaten to move to France (which is very similar in my mind to Canada), I am the recycling nazi at work and home, I think I am oh-so cool by living in my neighborhood, and they reference the movie Royal Tenenbaums and that is not only one of my faves but I even dressed up as Margot for Halloween. I am doomed to be the whitest white person ever. Check it out...
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

Further justification of why I am Master of the Universe

One of the reasons I started this blog was explaining my skills with getting free things...

(This might be a little shorter than I intended considering I just wrote this long story and blogger experienced "an error" and deleted my posting!! GRRR!!!)

So ok - Jason decided he wanted an iPhone or he would DIE so he switched from Nextel to AT&T thinking he didn't have a contract. Well that wasn't the case. I called and was assured by a mystery woman that we would not incur any charges mainly an early termination fee (read: cell phone companies can be as bad as vengeful ex's they will do anything to make you regret EVER leaving) case in point $200. So she tells me a final bill will be sent to us within 1 week. Miraculously one month goes by - no bill - then BAM we receive a bill for $550!!
After I regain consciousness I get on the phone. Oh the fun that ensued!
I was told that I didn't ever call in and the conversation I had I must have imagined because there are no circumstances anyone could have promised me such a thing and that there wasn't a record of me even calling. Wonderful. Then the snake woman told me she would not want to be nice and helpful and that she could NOT (would not really) reverse any fees. Most of the bill was stupid fees. I told her that she sucked which is very calm for me.

So I persist. I called back yesterday and spoke to a moronic woman who after I completely demeaned her by insulting her intelligence without saying right out what I meant got me back. She transferred me to a Spanish-only line which promptly disconnected me after I failed to verify anything in Espanol. So I am in the process of calling back when Jason tells me to just give up that its not worth it he'll pay it off. Oh no.

I finally get the NICEST and GAYEST man on the phone. He starts off by telling me that Snake Woman lied that what the purpose of Customer Care is to do exactly what I asked her to do - reverse fees. Then he tells me that he would rather have his cell phone plan be with AT&T but is basically forced into having Sprint. I could tell already I hit the jackpot. After 20 minutes and lots of humming (him not me) he took the $200 fee off. Wonderful. Then he says "let me try a few more things" he went back over 4 months erasing every fee he could find. At the end of the conversation he tells me that the bill is now down to $40. Damn. As I am ready to pay him he says "let me take one more look" then "ok now your account is negative $27".
I say "wait now YOU guys OWE US money?" He says yes. So $550 went down to them owing us money. I am not expecting a check in the mail or anything but hot damn. I feel finally like I got to stick it to "the man" and it feels GOOOODDDDDD.

And this explains further why I am Master of the Universe.

Potato Art...for anyone who needs to visualize the Potato in the office

Funny Forward of the Day

From a co-worker who is always sending things like this my way...
http://www.plaidstallions.com/fashion.html

Here's a preview to wet your whistle...

Shizzle on the streets

Since we moved to "The Village" I have been overwhelmed by the intersection of lifestyles, incomes and just plain diversity of the city of Alexandria. First I was amused by the kids/high school students on our street and oh so quickly my amusement turned to aggravation.

Me at first: "Oh look at those energetic kids playing football in the middle of the street how wonderful they are outside and being constructive."
Quickly turned to: "Those f-ing kids are in the street again, blocking traffic and WAIT a minute did that football leave a dent in my car??"

Me: "Oh how I love hearing such a great diversity of music"
Turned to: "Those f-ing kids and their stupid ass music - why does it have to be so loud I can hear it from the opposite side of the street."

Me: "The neighborhood children are so nice coming over and petting the dogs, its so fun for all of them."
Turned to: "If those kids come over here with McDonalds taunting my dogs one more time I'm going to let Deuce loose on them"

As you can tell I have become more and more bitter. I'm not used to even having neighbors that I can SEE let alone have to have daily interactions with.

One of the best things to happen this month was someone broke in to our neighbors car and stole a wood saw. The brilliance was the wood saw was used for, well sawing wood. And sawing wood creates sawdust. Everyone with me so far? Good. So when you steal something covered in sawdust you MIGHT want to brush it off or else it will leave a trail right to your front door. Yes, this REALLY happened. The lovely rasta house on the corner sent one of their brightest scholars out to steal and leave a trail. (And calling them rastas just came from their license plate I am not stereo-typing)

Ahhhh...the list does go on but lemme tell you it gets better and better.
Oh and our neighbor called the cops (as would anyone just to point out their total stupidity) and coincidentally the next day the window in his car was shot - yes shot - he says probably with a bb gun but still yikes!

This is what happens when you have overpriced housing and section-8 residents all in the same neighborhood. I miss New Jersey - somehow I never dealt with stuff like that EVER there. Then again it was Skillman quite a far cry from Alexandria.

It's just plain creepy

I do think this is cute but once I delved deeper and saw how many pictures someone took of a bunny in different hats and set-ups I got chills.

I will leave the final determination up to the individual bunny-lover.

http://www.gookalian.com/oolong/gallery/albums.php

More funnies courtesy of the State of NJ

I have an inside source I am not at liberty to disclose... :)

But this is an ACTUAL email sent.

This date was painstakingly set for August as it is out of compliance. After you okayed the date, phone calls were made to the other Attorneys to coordinate everyone's schedule. We would be hard pressed to find a date in September as we only have the Judge for the XXXXXX Matter and 3 other days, now put aside for FC Summary Hearings, At this point the only one who can adjourn the case is Judge XXXXXX. As he is hereon a limited basis and the case is over goal, it is unlikely that he wouldgrant an adjournment.
Sorry for any incontinence.

There are many, many things wrong with this
Grammer, punctuation, and then "incontinence?" I am thinking this is spell check gone wrong!

Faerie Tale Theatre

While I was suffering through Ocean's Thirteen the other night (I added it to my queue and forgot it ok?) seeing Ellen Barkin for the first time in many years sparked my memory of times past. Between 1982-1987 Shelly Duval had a Showtime show and it featured 26 episodes of the old fairy tales. I don't remember if we had Showtime or if we rented these shows but I remember how much I loved them. My memory of Ellen Barkin was the Princess in The Princess Who Never Smiled. I have been on a quest for these shows and found a few titles on Netflix but sadly not the Princess or the Emperor's New Clothes. But I did find the ENTIRE collection on Amazon for about $150. Now I am trying to make 2008 my "necessary expenses" year and I'm not sure if these would fall into that category so off to Ebay I go.

For anyone who is not familiar with this here is a great synopsis from Amazon

One of the first gems of the cable TV age, Faerie Tale Theatre brings 26 classic tales to life. Produced over a five-year span (1982-87) for Showtime, FTT brought together creative dramatics and whimsical writing with some of the top talents of the day. Executive producer/host Shelley Duvall (who was coming off her breakout role in The Shining) shepherds this mix of theatrical simplicity and grand storytelling for these oft-told tales ("Goldilocks and the Three Bears," "Little Red Riding Hood," "Hansel and Gretel," "Sleeping Beauty," and the like) for kids and their parents. Since they are not elaborately produced, FTT may be a hard sell for some smaller members of the family at first, but most should be hooked, even older kids who may pooh-pooh fairy tales. There's always a slight twist that makes these productions fresh.

The cast is amazing, especially when you think how lightly cable television was thought of in the '80s: Jeff Bridges, Bud Cort, Liza Minnelli, James Coburn, Susan Sarandon, Christopher Reeve, Klaus Kinski, Billy Crystal, Matthew Broderick, Gregory Hines, Eric Idle, Robin Williams, and Mick Jagger are some of the talented--and varied--actors appearing. Crystal's take on the smart "Little Pig" (with Jeff Goldblum as the wolf) and Williams's "Frog Prince" are two comic gems. Malcolm McDowell, right in the middle of his career high-point of playing baddies, brings flair to the Big Bad Wolf, while his then-real-life wife Mary Steenburgen beautifully counterpoints as Red Riding Hood. The casting of Vincent Price and Vanessa Redgrave in "Snow White" is inspired. Also impressive are the directors Duvall pooled: Tim Burton ("Aladdin and His Wonderful Lamp"), Francis Ford Coppola ("Rip Van Winkle") Peter Medak (three episodes), Nicholas Meyer ("Pied Piper"), and Roger Vadim ("Beauty and the Beast"). You can go on for days about these wonderful tales, most totaling around the 45-minute mark, but it's better just to get the set and start wherever you'd like; you will get to the end sooner than you think.

So if you are in the mood for a 80's throwback night I highly recommend these titles and am in the process of adding as many as I can find to my queue. Oh and calling my mother to see exactly how I found out about these movies and if they were rented or if we were THAT cool to have Showtime??

No one could have predicted this!

Maybe its the snow, the ice, or freezing rain but the Potato shocked us all this morning. I came in and walked right past her squishiness without noticing the SACK is missing!
Velour is making its appearance though in a pair of lovely drawstring pants and hot hot pink top. Man oh man Fashion Week is here! But the jumpsuit is missing and Pandy is the proud winner of the bet of the week.
Don't stress though the bet will continue as long as the surprises keep coming!

Ladies and Gentlemen - May I introduce someone

Since I haven't shared my blog with many a co-worker my devoted readers (my mom and sisters) don't know about "the Potato".
As I am full of the wit I have cleverly nicknamed a very squat, squishy, pale co-worker, The Potato. This is an older woman in our department who for the lack of better words is just DENSE. Her bespectaled eyes dim behind thick, dirty smuged lenses, her lipstick is never properly applied and she spends the majority of her time printing out every SINGLE email she receives. The Green Enforcer inside me wants to tell her the amount of trees she is killing with each push of the PRINT button but alas every conversation leaves me puzzled by her mere presence and feeling that I just lost a few key brain cells.
So the story begins with our dress-down casual winter wear. As you recall from past posts things got out of hand here with some versions of "casual wear" some which included full velour track suits. She was the culprit.
We have gone back to our business-casual and I thought causal was back UNTIL Friday rolled around. Fridays are our dress-down primarily jeans wearing days. But oh no no my fellow fashionistas - the Potato did NOT think so. Every subsequent Friday since the SAME EXACT velour jumpsuit has made its appearance. When I say every Friday you better believe it is - so much in fact that wagers have been made further predicting sightings of said suit. But to call it a suit is not "suitable" as I pun - but rather better what does a Potato wear? Pandy my associate brilliantly came up with "the Potato is in her sack" and PRESTO a ritual was born.
For the past few weeks the sack has made its ever faithful appearance and it is certain to brighten anyones dreary Friday morn.
I will attempt to photograph this mystical spud but am not promising anything.

A goat will go to a goat

This really made me feel better AKA warm fuzzies a happy ending to this gut-wrenching tale

Goat found after 10 days
By BEN FINLEY
Bucks County Courier Times

The long and ultimately happy-ending journey for Lower Bucks' wayward goat could make for a children's book someday.

The moral: It takes a goat to find a goat.

Kellogg, a puff of white fur, caramel-colored horns and frightened black eyes, was finally rescued off Lower Southampton's Street Road about 3 a.m. Tuesday morning. If the goat drove, she was about 1.7 miles from home.

The animal, who was initially thought to be her adoptive sister Buckwheat, is uninjured after 10 days on her own.

Some might consider a goat to be rare in the dense Philadelphia suburbs. But the goat was able to find others just like her.

"People can go and look for anything they want * but a goat will go to a goat," said Frank Lotz, the owner of the goats whom Kellogg tracked down off Old Street Road in Lower Southampton.

As far as anyone can tell, the following is Kellogg's journey:
On Feb. 9, Kellogg made her way out of a metal mesh fence at her house on Mulberry Avenue in Bensalem's Oakford section. From there, Kellogg's owner, Iris Star, believes that ATV riders behind the house chased Kellogg far away from home.

The goat got lost. And the first sighting of her was the following Sunday on Hickory Avenue in Lower Southampton's Feasterville section, about 1.5 miles from home, according to police. Kellogg reportedly rammed people's front doors. And she even gave police the slip.
Star put her phone number in the paper for anyone to call if they'd seen her goat. She got about five calls a day for the next week.

But there were actually few sightings of Kellogg after that, Lower Southampton Police Lt. Raymond Weldie said.

Days would go by with nothing. Star began to put fliers up in the neighborhood about her lost goat.

Meanwhile, Lotz, the other goat owner across town, had been hearing his goats "bah."
Something was going on, he said. The neighbor heard it, too.

Lotz noticed that the grass on the outside of his goat's fence had been pressed down * like another goat had been sleeping there.

Then on Saturday, the sightings picked up again in that Lower Southampton neighborhood. And police tracked Kellogg to a yard off Woodbine Avenue. But they couldn't catch her.

On Sunday, there was a sighting of Kellogg at the Trevose Train Station in Bensalem. Then it went quiet again, police said.

On Tuesday morning, around 3, Lower Southampton police officer Sean Dougherty saw Kellogg pass in front of his car at the Commerce Bank at Street Road and Philmont Avenue. He and other officers gave chase. Star was called, and Lotz who lived right around the corner with his goats, came out to help, too.

With luck, they were able to corral Kellogg between two fences on the property of Just Children Day Care. Her journey was over.

Kellogg came home and inhaled some molasses-based goat feed, corn and hay. Her adopted brother and sister, Alfalfa and Buckwheat, didn't ram Kellogg as goats usually like to do. They hovered over her and smelled her and stayed close. The goats moved together in the pen like one animal.

"Goats don't like to be alone," Star said. "They're herd animals."

Said Lotz: "Our animals are what saved her, to tell you the truth."

Slow news day?? "He's got a big net but its still empty"

2nd installment of Buckwheat the Missing Goat!!

Goat eludes authorities
By BEN FINLEY
Bucks County Courier Times

Here's what we know:
The goat has six-inch, ivory-colored horns that curve straight back.
He likes to ram front doors.
The goat has been around since Sunday.
He knows how to hide.
And Lower Southampton police were trying to catch him Monday night.
There have been numerous sightings, the last along heavily populated Hickory Avenue in Feasterville.
When Mary Noe of Hickory Avenue called 911, police said, "We've heard about this goat."
Noe's neighbor knew about it, too. But the neighbor didn't say anything until she saw the patrol cars.
Noe said her neighbor came over and said: "I didn't want to say anything, but he was camping out all day on my door step. I didn't know what to make of him."
Noe said the cops tried to lure the goat into a patrol car.
Then they thought better of it.
"He could butt his way out of anything," Noe surmised. "He's bigger than what you want to put in the back of a patrol car."
The police brought in Warminster's animal control officer.
He's got a big net. But it's still empty.
This isn't some barnyard reject, one police officer said.
"He has a long flowing fleece like in "Jason and the Argonauts,' " the officer said.
"His coat is immaculate," Noe said. "His legs were very well defined. He's very clean, very well-groomed. I would say he's only been missing a few days. He's not injured in any way. He looked like a large, lost dog if you didn't know he was a goat."
On the police radio, the cops called the goat "Gilbert."
They believe he might be the resident of some tucked-away farm along Old Street Road.
"If we don't put this in the paper," Noe said, "how will the owner know my goat is in Feasterville?"

At first I thought it was a big cat...

This is true and you may be asking why do I (being me, the author - not I as in you)care? And its because this is my oldest sisters neighborhood and the thought of a goat ramming her front door is enough to make me laugh!

Elusive pet goat still missing
By BEN FINLEY
Bucks County Courier Times

When she was a baby goat, Buckwheat was rescued from imminent slaughter. For 10 years she had it good - eating apples, carrots and whole wheat bread on a 3-acre spread in Bensalem. The question now is: Will she be lucky enough to survive Lower Bucks on her own?
The goat, with its long fleece and 6-inch, ivory-colored horns, escaped her pen on Mulberry Avenue in Bensalem Saturday. She eluded four police cars that trailed her Monday night. And she's ventured at least a 11/2 miles from home, reportedly ramming front doors and leaving messes in driveways. As the snow came down Tuesday afternoon, Buckwheat's owner, Iris Star,walked around with a bucket of poppy seed bagels and goat feed, hoping to lure her pet home. But she couldn't find her.

Star read in the Courier Times Tuesday morning that Hickory Avenue in Lower Southampton was the last place Buckwheat was seen, so she went there.
"My only fear is that she's going to get hit by a car," Star told acrew of television reporters who trailed her.

Star and Buckwheat go way back. A decade ago, Star was at the Davis Feed Mill in Wrightstown when she saw a poster on a wall. It said three baby goats were bound for the slaughterhouse if they weren't rescued before Thanksgiving. Star bought all three. The other two are Kellogg and Applejack. Buckwheat got her name because of her light brown fur. "Goats can be mischievous," Star said. Buckwheat being no exception; she must have worked her way through a metal cattle fence in the backyard, leaving Applejack and Kelloggbehind.

Then, Star theorized that ATV drivers who ride along the R-3 train linebehind her house chased Buckwheat well away from the house on Mulberry.

By Sunday, folks along Hickory Avenue began to report sightings. Hickory Avenue resident Mary Noe said Buckwheat was rubbing her hornsup against the house's side door. Her neighbor said the goat camped out on her doorstep.

Cops said there have been sightings and reports of the goat ramming front doors.
"She's just looking for warmth," Star said. "She's like a pet.She's going to seek companionship and shelter."

Mike Fournier, Penn State's agriculture agent for Bucks County, said Buckwheat will be fine in this weather. "They evolved in this weather. It wouldn't be any different than a stray dog," he said.

Tom Gilbert called the Courier Times to say he might have seen Buckwheat in Northampton's Churchville section off Tanyard Road. That's more than five miles from the Hickory Avenue sightings. "At first I thought it was a big cat," Gilbert said. "But it ran like a dog, and had the color of a dog, a graying brown. It had a long snout. It shook me up. It was something really strange. I haven't seen anything like this before."

After hearing this description, Star said: "I don't think that's my goat."

She's asking anyone who thinks they have spotted her goat to call her at 215-355-5123.

Why myspace is for losers and pedophiles

After the initial oh 10 months of fun from myspace I have lived in a blissful peace of not having to know what random people I went to school with did that was "OMG so crazy last weekend" blah blah...

But the other day I received an email saying that someone had sent me a message


myspace.com/chelseybonin
Date: Feb 4, 2008 9:36 PM
Date Sent: 2/4/2008 6:36:00 PM

Subject: yeahhh.

Body:umm,that man named JASON on your top,you know youre so called "boyfriend"you need to leave him the F*** (* entered by me - my MOM reads my blog) ALONE because umm, newsflash: hes married.he also has two children, & one of them would just happen to be me.so leave my dad alone MKAY.

***********************************************************************************


So wait my boyfriend Jason - who is not labled as so on myspace either is A. Married? B. Has not only 1 but kids (kids plural) and C. has a child old enough to send me myspace messages? WOW

I love the grammatical errors (why oh why do the majority of people not know your, you're and you are??) and the MKAY - is that the phonetic spelling??



And here is said creepy person - now which one is baby momma - oh no wait his WIFE and which one is the grammatically challenged child??

Too good and yet another reason to NEVER log on to myspace.

Rob & Big

I am a bit behind on my Rob & Big reporting. I missed last weeks' episode but never fear DVR is here! This week featured the Guinness World Book of Records...Rob set out to break every skateboarding record in it. He did score a whopping 21 records!! Big Black got 2 - his were more impressive - eating banannas and powdered donuts. Not hard you think, part of the banannas record is not only eating them in a specified time but also peeling them. And donuts aren't as pleasurable as we all see them - he wasn't allowed to lick his lips when he was eating them! Yikes talk about a DRY MOUTH.















Rob did all sorts of cool skateboarding things that I don't know what they mean - I'm not too jazzed up on my "boarding lingo". It wasn't the funniest episode but I did get into it when Rob was attempting a rail grind and he fell off a few times but far surpassed the record by going over 100 ft. I had to cheer outloud for him...I felt he needed to hear it.

Here's a shortened list:
1. Big: 5 powdered doughnuts in 3 minutes
2. Big: 3 bananas in 1 minute
3. Rob: 46 consecutive front-side ollies
4. Rob: 12 ollie big spins
5. Rob: 73 consecutive nollie kickflips
6. Rob: twelve 360 kickflips in one minute
7. Rob: 15 heel flips in one minute
8. Rob: 215 consecutive ollies
9. Rob: 22 nollie kickflips in one minute
10. Rob: 49 seconds - longest stationary manual
11. Rob: 9 switch frontside kickflips in one minute
12. Rob: 100 ft - Longest 50-50 rail grind
13. Rob: 100 ft - Longest board slide
14. Rob: highest skateboard ramp jump into water is 3.29 m (10 ft 8 in)

My Big Redneck Wedding

It's not often that my dad tells me to watch a show but last week he invited me to experience the world of Redneck Weddings.
OOHHHH boy the first 5 minutes had me hooked. (Note: big shocker this is on CMT but I would have to put it on Comedy Central)
Some highlights include:

A fringed wedding dress complete with the comment "It looks like a designer fashion dress" complete with matching "cowgirl" fringed hat
The bachelor party in a garage complete with fried turkey balls (ewwww) and cans of Budweiser
The groom went "shopping" for his soon-to-be wife's wedding present by dumpster diving? His companion even asked why didn't he look in a store for the present, great question. But he found such treasures as a plastic horse and some sort of unclaimed trash-treasure.
Also, the groom picked out his own pig, no not as a pet pig but what they would be eating at the wedding...it's not often that you get to choose your food as its still alive. Yum.

I highly recommend this show for the sheer audacity of these people for first getting married and trying to do it sincerely with such lack of taste its a chuckle-a-minute!
More information is always available at:
http://www.cmt.com/shows/dyn/my-big-redneck-wedding/series.jhtml

The Plaxi Taxi

Apologies to Eli, Plaxi and Sissy

As I have been informed I am sorely disappointing people with my lack of Super Bowl coverage. Yes, the Giants won even though I did NOT predict that but am so happy that they proved me wrong. I ended up approaching the game mathematically by quoting my own well researched statistics (made them up in my head) that the chances of the Patriots having a totally undefeated season INCLUDING the Super Bowl were 1:100,000,000. And yes I was RIGHT LA DEE DA. I was on the edge of my seat the whole game especially the 4th Quarter and the screaming, praying, hand-clasping helped definitely. In almost the last minute (correction 35 seconds were left, thank you NFL.com) of the game the greatness of the Manning-Burress team was truly defined by the pass to end all passes and win the game. Even big bro Peyton was there to cheer Eli along!

Now maybe these Redskin loving stores around here will actually stock more than 1 teams jerseys, t-shirts, hats oh ANYTHING. don't even get me started on the stores here not even wanting to cash in on the cash cow of football - the Super Bowl. Only 1 store in the metro Nova area had Super Bowl t-shirts and they were LAME.

Now you can stab your computer

In my quest for the essential unique promotional item for one of the products I am marketing I came across this jewel. It is a Swiss Army knife that doubles as a 1GB memory USB memory unit. I think I want one just to be THAT much cooler.

Giants kicking 'yo ass