I have to share this with the world

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

I am laughing maniacally at my desk.

Good reading

A nice email forward from Kristen today:

Random Thoughts of the Day:
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Stupid surfers

This is a total failure of communications between surfer-speak and real English.

http://failblog.org/2009/08/06/surfer-interview-fail/

OMG

This is a theme-wedding if I've ever seen one. The person that sent this to me said it's some comic book theme

http://www.ksweddings.com/aidra_ernest/

Too funny!

http://dontjudgemyhair.com/

Funny ass picture

Need another reason to quit smoking?

http://www.nypost.com/seven/07152009/news/nationalnews/us_man_charged_23_quadrillion_dollars_fo_179411.htm

Our members are pretty damn funny

So we have a social billboard type area on our website that our members use for all sorts of reasons, networking, questions and answers, job postings, etc. But sometimes they really make me laugh - recently someone asked about how to handle a particularly gassy employee and one member who makes us all laugh posted the following memo:

M E M O
To: All Employees
From: HR
Re: Flatulence
It has been brought to the attention of HR that some employees are emiting flatulence while working in their cubicles so HR has written a Flatulence Policy which is effective immediately.

Flatulence Policy
While we understand that flatulence is a natural occurring bodily function, you are not allowed to fart while in your cubicle. If you are feeling a bit bloated and gassy then please go to the restroom to flatulate.If you do flatulate in the restroom, please spray Fabreze generously to cover the odor. If, by flatulating in the restroom, you accidentially squirt something other than intestinal air, do not, under any circumstances, discard your soiled panties in the restroom wastebasket (see Panty Policy).
If you do not experience the warning signs pre-flatulence and actually do fart while in your cube, please excuse yourself quickly and get the can of Fabreze in the restroom and spray your cubicle generously. If that doesn't mask the odor sufficiently, then you will need to go to HR and get a Glade Scented Candle and burn it in your cubicle for the remainder of the day.It is against this policy to retaliate against anyone burning a Glade candle in their cube, as we all know that smell is so much better than the alternative.
Fragrance Scentivity Warning Signs should be posted outside of any cubicle to warn those who are sesative to strong scents so they can avoid the area.Employees are encouraged, especially those who experience flatulence on a regular basis, to practice good pre-flatulence preventative measures such as eating foods high in fiber, avoiding Taco Bell and taking Beano when appropriate. HR will also have those little strips your can put on your tongue to get rid of gas as well as a supply of Gas X. Employees who are feeling particularly gassy should come quickly to HR so all gas prevention measures can be pursued.All flatulence not emitted in accordance with this policy should be immediately reported to HR on the Unauthorized Flatulence Report Form so HR can investigate immediately.

My name is potato

This made my day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZJXWkWeS2k

I am in job depression

I know that I should be thankful for even HAVING a job but being a college-educated female who didn't get into finance I just don't feel THAT thankful.

So since it's my blog I feel the right to bitch. After paying bills I had only $200 left of my paycheck...how in the world am I to get ahead with that kind of paycheck? Yes my paycheck is a bit smaller after the $60 for my MacBook that they take out the payments for until the end of the year, and my flex spending - which BTW I am almost out of for the rest of the year, and a 401(k) loan that I had to take out for my overwhelming medical bills from my gallbladder surgery last year. So that's about another $100 + that should be in my check...but seriously as I am getting married the concept of having children is just more and more becoming something that is more of a reality than just a "concept". How are we to afford this?

So that has been my pit of despair this week so far. I was out for 2 days not feeling too well but I must admit I really enjoyed being home. So much I was even entertaining the idea of becoming a full-time nanny. What other job lets you stay home all day and play with kids? Too bad I don't have any of my own and would probably spend half the day on the phone with my mother asking everything from "Does it matter if the puke is green or blue", "how do you get Jell-O out of the carpet?" or "Why can't I nap when they won't?"

But after speaking to my sister, Amy she told me of the perils of children moving, them finding a new nanny, etc. that put me out of thinking it would be the best idea that I should quit my perfectly stable job for.

And then Nicole sent me the following diagram that made me laugh:

And it's not that I HATE my job I really feel that I am worth more - a lot more. And if I was making more money it might be easier to put up with the half-assed people that I work with (very few, but Potato stands out) and get paid more than me and work half-assed, dress like they've never heard of bras and still have a job...so why am I busting my ass??

Dilemma...

Funniest Home Page

I found this a few weeks ago on the Dominion Home Page and kept forgetting to post it


How creepy is this picture??!!

Doesn't it looks like he's going to kill her with the hairdryer? And why would you want some strange MAN to help you blow dry your hair?

Hydrangea

So my quest for a long time now has been to find a Hydrangea bush. Not only are they a flowering bush but they're just so pretty. I also found on the back of one of his books this great picture with Kurt Vonnegut outside his house sitting by the back door, surrounded by these giant Hydrangea bushes. I usually buy my plants at Lowe's or Home Depot (mostly Lowe's because I despise Home Depot and the morons that work there) but am always turned off on how much they cost. They are really expensive bushes!

When I was in New Jersey the other weekend visiting my parents we went to Lowe's - their Saturday morning ritual, if you're looking for my parents early Saturday - million to 1 they're at Lowe's scanning the sale rack. We ended up in the garden section, big surprise and I found a Hydrangea bush on sale for about $8. Yes, it was tiny but not miniscule so I bought it hoping to bring it to life, and so far so good.

But last weekend we were on our way back from meeting Father Baker at St. Aidan's and we were going to go to Lowe's and on the way there we went past Hybla Valley Nursery. Jason found this nursery when he was helping some friends move the other weekend and stopped in to get me a pretty flower. So he suggested that we stop and I found a HUGE Hydrangea for only $25. I had to have it. The price was too good to pass up. I did buy a few other things, which I can't remember for the life of me now - oh a clematis and some type of big leafy thing.

In case you have NO idea what a Hydrangea is here is one:

And a Clematis is:

It is a trailing bush that I am hoping will grow all over our lovely metal fence on one neighbor's side - mostly to cover the dead tree that is such an eyesore.

Teaser Poster for True Blood Season 2

Look closely! At first glance you may just see the blood but if you focus in on the dark sections, you’ll see the silhouette of a vampire about to feed from some poor lady’s neck. This concept is based off the famous Rubin’s Face, a famous optical illusion that allows for two completely separate interpretations of the same image.

Summer TV

So now that all my "good" shows have come to an end - some leaving us hanging; Lost as usual, damn those bastards for always leaving me this way...The Office left us with Pam & Jim finding out they are pregnant, and 30 Rock just ended, it isn't the way of the comedy show to leave us hanging it just ends.





So now begins the summer Cable shows! Starting up July 12 with Season 6- Entourage with Vinnie working on a Martin Scorcese film. Even though my DVR recorded this past Sunday as a new episode which it wasn't. I can't get any information off their site about the first episode of Season 6. I'm sure somewhere on the internet is some sort of spoiler but I'm really not that dedicated. Last season I kept watching b/c there isn't much else to do at 10 PM on a Sunday but I didn't really want to watch poor Vinnie, I like when he spends his millions on Mazerati's and parties...duh, that's why we're all celebrity-obsessed.





Deadliest Catch has been on for a few weeks and Discovery doesn't really count as Cable with a


Capital C to me since I don't PAY for the channel itself.





Weeds will be starting Season 5 with their debut episode Wonderful Wonderful. Last season ended with Nancy about to be killed by Esteban (the really hot Governor or Mayor of Mexico) until she produces an ultrasound and tells him it's a boy. Damn she's good.





Here's the description from Showtime:





In episode 501, the fifth season premiere, Nancy returns to Ren Mar unsure of her fate after showing Esteban a sonogram of her baby; Haley has a hard time collecting ransom money for Celia; Andy, Doug and Silas discuss a new pot-growing plan.





And my new favorite show from last summer True Blood!!


There's even a countdown on the homepage


http://www.hbo.com/trueblood/

I had to put a picture so this is from last season since this season starts June 14.

Solved! How a family of eight can travel from A to B... on just TWO wheels

Full story can be found at:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1174908/Solved-How-family-travel-A-B--just-TWO-wheels.html

Too funny!

Funniest license plate of the trip FISHKLR.

My garden continues...

Here are the promised pictures of the garden from my previous post...



















The garden - 1 view





















My little baby Corn



















Lettuce - I think Mesculine lettuce



















The tomato that I bought from Edison High school

Corn is growing!

So I made 4 rows of corn - 2 of them I planted a few weeks ago and we had that lovely bout of cold weather, so cold I think it killed half the seeds I planted including the corn.
But Jason and I planted another 2 rows just 3 weeks ago and already there are very noticable corn seedlings popping through. Thinking of it now I should have taken a picture but I will do that soon.
My tomatoes are doing well - I bought 4 seedlings from Home Depot and 1 pretty large one from the Edison High School plant sale. The bigger one is hopefully going to be producing tomatoes soon and it looks like some of my lettuce is sprouting. The confusing thing about gardening with new seeds is not knowing what is a seed and what is a weed. I have found quite a few weeds and managed to wack them out with a shovel.
I've also started a compost bucket and am burying it weekly. Jason brought home a bucket with a lid that serves 2 purposes-keeping the dogs out of the "treats" in the bucket and keeping the smell in.
I am traveling this weekend but may be able to take some pictures before the weekend...it's so much fun to go out to the garden 1 day and a few days later see all new developments.

Best passive aggressive blog...ever

This is just one of the funny things that people see - photograph and send in...

Here's the blog....
http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Starbucks cares?

Now if you know anything about me at all you know I am a DIE HARD Dunkin Donuts fan. It is hard for me to go to Starbucks and give them my money. Now at work Starbucks is only 2 blocks away whereas DD is about 8 blocks so if I am feeling extra tired and lazy (usually they go hand in hand) I will force myself to walk to Starbucks and get some overpriced "coffee drink". But the other day one of my print rep friends called and offered to buy me some Starbucks and I can't say no to free overpriced drinks...but moving on to my story...
I noticed that they had a big pail of shiny bags and it turns out that they are recycling their coffee grounds and GIVING THEM AWAY FOR FREE. So I stocked up on 3 huge bags. Now you might be asking what I used the coffee grounds for and they are fantastic for gardens. So I hauled them to my car and you might not think that coffee grounds are that heavy but 3 HUGE ASS bags of them are really heavy! Thankfully Jared (my print rep friend) carried his 3 bags and my 3 bags to the door of my buidling. They were even nice enough to give us big shopping bags. So all in all my last trip to Starbucks wasn't too bad - free coffee and some free fertilizer.
Oh I have to add I didn't get a coffee I got a mocha something with soy milk...I can't really stand their coffee and can't do that to DD. It just wouldn't be right.